Elena Fermentera Hamilton ❀ Visitors & Flowers

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15 April 2022

Happy Anniversary in Heaven. Today marks 44 years ago that we were married in Lisa and Dale’s living room. They both have gone to join you now. I will miss you every day until it is my time to join you. Flower #4

Bill Hamilton

25 May 2021

Happy Birthday in Heaven Honey. You’d have been 75 today. I miss you and look forward to being together again one day. Please look out for Coco. She’ll be needing someone special. I’ve lost two of the most special ones to me now.

Bill Hamilton

15 April 2019

Happy 41st Anniversary.

We should have been celebrating 41 years together today. I miss you and think of you often. I will always love you.


2 November 2015

Little Bug has come to join you today. Take care of her.


15 April 2015

Happy 37th Anniversary. I miss you.


Hamilton Bill (

26 May 2013


I missed your Birthday yet again yesterday. I remembered this morning while sitting in Church. I am still doing fine. I miss you every day. I know that I will not be lucky enough to ever find anyone quite like you again. I still have Luka, Squeeky, and Little Bug here with me. I’m keeping my promise to you and taking care of them. It’s another Memorial Day weekend again. I remember all the plans we had made to go on vacation before you got so sick. I love you.


26 May 2012
Yesterday was the 66th anniversary of your birth. I thought about you most of the day. I miss you very much. I stay busy these days. I am still taking care of the last of the cats. Luka, Squeeky and Little Bug. I think they miss you too.
I’ll always love you.

04 November, 2011
I miss you very much. Today it’s been raining all day. It sort of fits my mood. I hope that you have found the peace and happiness that you deserve. I hope to see you again one day.
Love you forever, Bill

28 April, 2011
My gosh, I can’t believe that it’s been so long since I sent anything to this site. Another year has come and gone. In fact, two years. Belated Happy Birthday and Happy Easter.
Life goes on. Keeping busy with Navy stuff and taking care of the house and cars and everything else. I miss you so. Hardly a single day goes by where I don’t think of you. I hope that we will be together again one day.
Until then, I’ll continue thinking of you. All my love.

31 May, 2009
My Love,
I failed to come to this site on your Birthday again this year. I failed to ask the Chaplain to say mass in your name. It seems that I fail at most everything I try to accomplish. Just as I failed to keep you here with me. If I hadn’t failed at my attempts to get you to quit smoking, you’d be here still. I failed to recognize how ill you were becoming. I failed again when we finally sought medical attention and the bastards wouldn’t take an x-ray. I failed to follow up when the original x-ray indicated a “white spot”. My multiple failures cost me having you here with me. But most awful was that they cost you your life. It seems that I can’t get anything right. I guess I truly am a failure. I miss you very much and I think of you most every day. Life without you is mostly pain. I do have good times once in a while, but they seem to become fewer in number every year. The low times seem to increase in number and severity. I often wish it would all end. I don’t want to bring it to an end myself. I can’t hurt my family like that. I don’t want to lose my chance at being with you again for eternity. I do wish sometimes that something would happen to bring a about an end to the pain. I hate the depression and the disappointments. I hate feeling the way I do. But I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what else to write now. I failed at that too. I love you and I miss you.

26 May, 2008
My Love,
Yesterday you would have been 62 years old — Happy Birthday. I dreamed of you early this morning. I miss you very much and my dreams are the only way I have of seeing you. I usually wake up from those dreams with mixed emotions. The dreams feel so real that at first I feel great joy, then after fully awakening I realize it was only a dream. Then great sadness replaces the joy.
Much has happened this past year. I tried selling the house and never even had one single offer. The real estate market has hit bottom. I have put off my plans for awhile in hopes that the market will rebound and I can sell out and complete my plans.
The family will be making a move to Idaho soon. Their house is sold now and they’ve slowly been moving things out. My emotions are mixed about the sale of the house. It has been in the family for many, many years. It seems like a part of my life is being sold. On the other hand, I still have the memories and those cannot be taken from me. It is only a material thing. Mammoth Lakes is so different now. It’s nothing like it used to be. Too commercial. It’s depressing to see what has become of it. Maybe the memories are the best part.
I have been torn as to what I should do now. I don’t know if I should go to live in the Philippines or follow my family to Idaho. Or maybe something else. It’s a hard decision. I feel like my family is moving on without me and I have some worries about moving to the Philippines by myself. The people who I thought were my friends out there have proved not to be after all. Money is a great motivator.
I have made many bad decisions in the years since your passing. It has cost me monetarily and caused me to delay many of my plans. I guess you were right all those times when you told me I’m too easy. I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes in the past several years that I thought were made in the name of friendship.
I know I don’t visit this site often anymore. I feel as though you are with me always and see what is happening in my life and it is therefore not necessary for me to put everything in writing here. On the other hand though, I feel that it’s my responsibility to maintain a presence here too. Here I can share my feelings in print and spend more time reflecting on them. Some people have said that it’s good to put things down in print. It is cathartic. I don’t know about that. At least when I write, it serves as a memorial to you. Should anything happen to me, this site will outlive me and people who stop here will know that we were once together and I loved you.
I wish that I could speak of having done many joyous and exciting things in the past year, but I cannot. My life is a pretty boring adventure these days. I cannot afford to travel the way I had wanted to. My mis-handling of my finances and the escalating cost of living have put an end to that. I am still with Cely as of now. I don’t think that will last. She and I are not compatible. She’s more concerned about material things than she is about me. I enjoy being with her family, especially the Grandchildren. However, I’m not a part of the family, just someone who’s living with Cely. I don’t expect that she’ll be moving along with me wherever I wind up after selling the house. It’s probably the best thing that she doesn’t.
Realistically, I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone to love the way I loved you. I used to hope that I would be the first to go so that I would never know the pain of having to spend even a day without you. I know that sounds awfully selfish, but it’s the way I felt. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and you made my life complete. I was a better person with you in my life.
I will continue to do what I can to survive here and try to serve as a memorial to your life. It’s difficult. Everyone who knew you misses you. Lisa and Dale are experiencing a lot of difficulty right now. Their health is declining. I wish some kind of miracle would occur so that Lisa would not have anymore pain and be able to walk again. She gives so much to other people. She wants desperately to be the best possible parent to Nick and Larry. It seems unfair that she should have to suffer so much. She gets really depressed sometimes. It hurts me to hear here talk about wishing to die. She is strong willed and I pray that some day her miracle will come and she’ll be able to get out of the wheel chair and walk with the boys.
Well, I guess I’ll end here. I love you and miss you. I look forward to seeing you again when it’s time.

28 February, 2007
My dearest, Another year is here and well on its way. So much is going on in my life now. I finally retired from the job I despised for so many years. I don’t miss it one bit. I feel as though I’ve been freed from incarceration. I still am in the Reserves for now. I guess that will probably change soon too. Preparations to sell our home are underway but progressing slowly. I hope to be traveling to PI soon. I can’t believe it has been so many years since I was able to visit your final resting place. I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I remember so many of the great times we had together. I have many fond memories of our time together. I wish we’d had a lifetime together, but it was not to be. I’m finding it difficult to separate from our last home together. There are so many memories here and so many tangible objects that we shared together. I hope that you are with the family members that you hadn’t seen for so many years. I hope to join you there when it is my time. I long to see your smile and hear your laughter. I think I miss that the most. It always filled me with such joy when you laughed. Many of us here miss that. You were always full of joy for life and everything in it. I often feel that you are keeping an eye on me. I keep you in my heart all the time. I wait for the day that we are together again, forever. Bill

14 August, 2005
Honey, It is with a sad heart that I write tonight. I have lost Rocky. I only learned this tonight. I pray that he is with you now. I know how much he loved and missed you. I have missed you so very much. These days and nights out in the desert have made me think and dream about you very much. I am not a happy person without you. I am trying to go on as best as I can, but it is so hard. I wanted to be with you for a lifetime. I always thought that we would grow old together. I was very foolish and made mistakes that you paid the price for. I caused you pain many times in our time together. I cannot say how much that hurts me. I try and recall the good times. There were many. I remember when we were together in Hawaii and Virginia. The fun we had in our first house and how much you enjoyed the last house. I remember how you loved animals and other people, how important your close friends were. I miss all that so very, very much. In closing for tonight, let me say I love you and miss you. Please take care of all our friends and family there until I can join you one day. Eternally yours, Bill

“Hamilton, William L.” (
30 January, 2005
Here I am in Kuwait with the Navy. I miss you very much and I think of you every day. I wish we were together. I am so close to retirement now. All the plans that I had in mind for us after retirement will not come to be now. I regret so many things. I look forward to seeing you again one day. I love you now and forever, Bill

“Cindy” (
01 November, 2004
Lenee: It’s been awhile and I still miss you! So much has happened. You must know! I’m so unhappy and alone. I could use a friend! Your picture is here in front of me. Lenee – They took my boys! They are hurting them! They are doing this for money! I have spent all of the past, nearly a year, trying desperately to get the truth known. Donny and Dougy are not even together! I haven’t seen them for almost a year. I really wish I had you to talk to! I don’t have anyone! I am so scared Lenee! They have the boys on drugs! They are being bounced around from place to place. Basically, their lives are ruined! We’ve been through so much together. You were there for me when Shannon was running away. She’s in jail right now. She got married, but I haven’t met him. We took care of Nana and Ray. I remember how scared you were when Bill was away and you didn’t know whether he had been sent overseas or not! I’m so scared Lenee! I miss you still! I sure wish you were here. I need to talk to you! If you can, watch out for them!!! Please! I never go a day without thinking of you. You were so wonderful with them and they love you so much! How is it that people can be so cold and so easily turn away from two little boys who are being hurt? I just don’t get it! Lenee – sorry I haven’t been back in a long time. I do miss you! I’m telling you, if I didn’t have these boys to fight for, I wouldn’t stick around.This is so wrong! And nobody seems to care! I miss you. Know that please! Your friend forever, Cindy

“Bill Hamilton” (
12 October, 2004
Hi honey,
I can hardly believe that it has been so long since I have written anything. So much has been going on in my life lately. It seems that as the time increases since your demise here, the closer I feel to you. I miss you every day. There are so many things that stimulate memories of you each day. I often find myself talking to you. I miss hearing your voice and most especially your laughter. I recall how whenever I heard your laughter it made me feel so warm and happy. I miss our weekend trips together and the comfort I felt having you near me as I slept.
I cannot to this day understand how I was never able to share these feelings with you when we were together. I guess it was my own insecurities about myself that prevented me from saying how I really felt. I pray that your special insight into things allowed you to understand how much I cherished you. I know now, much too late that too many things went unspoken. I think I took way too much for granted.
I am so anxious for the day that I can retire and leave here to live in the Philippines, where I can be closer to your final resting place. My life here brings me more pain and sorrow than I can bear sometimes. I look back at the past and I wonder where it all went so wrong. Everything is so muddled and confusing.
I think that I made a terrible mistake when my focus changed from spending time with you to acquiring material things. It seems like we were happiest when we had relatively little. The more things we acquired, the more my focus shifted toward working and paying bills and acquiring more things. You must have been terribly frustrated with me, yet you said relatively little about it. In hindsight, I recognize the hints you gave without pushing me. I wish I had been wiser.
I will miss you always and my thoughts are often of you. I wish that we were still side by side. When things happen in my life, I think about how much better they would have been if we could have shared them together.
I cannot believe how much I have lost since your early demise. Where we once had 12 cats, I now only have 4 left. Each time I lose another one of them, it’s like losing another living part of you. I hope that the ones I have lost have found you. I think heaven would be a very sad place without the love and companionship of pets and animals. I know the cats here miss you also.
I guess that’s all for now. I’ll be thinking of you and missing you. I love you now and forever. When we took our marriage vows, the minister spoke of “till death do you part”. When he said those words, I made a promise to myself and to God that even after our deaths, my love for you would continue on. I meant it then and I still do.
15 April, 2004
I leave red and white roses for Leny who loved her husband and her cats. I send my love and support to Bill. My father and myself are now experiencing his same pain and guilt after the loss of my mother a few months ago. Recovering from a loss of such magnitude is a long and painful path. I pray that my mother and Leny meet up in heaven, it sounds like they have a lot in common. My heart goes out to Bill and God bless and keep Leny.

“Barbara E Hamilton” (
12 April, 2004
leave flowers for Fermentera, Elena, from Barbara Hamilton, Montreal, Quebec

“Hamilton, Bill” (
02 October, 2003
My Dearest,
I have returned from Guam. I was thinking about you while I was there. I thought of how wonderful it would have been to have you by my side. I know that you would have had a wonderful time there. There is so much beauty and tranquility there. Things are going along ok here. Not much changes from one month to the next. Eat, sleep, work, and pay the bills. I look forward to the day that we will be together again. I miss you very much. I hope that you have found the peace that you deserved so much. I hope that you have been reunited with the family members that went on before and possibly after you. I hope that you are happy there. With all my heart, Bill.

“Bill Hamilton” (
15 January, 2003
My Dearest,
It has been a long time since I last visited this site. I was in Las Vegas for Christmas 2002. I spent Christmas Eve and Day there with Cely and her family again. I returned from the Philippines this evening. I was there for New Year’s Eve and day. It was nice to be there and see how the holiday is celebrated there. I was not able to make it to Bicol again this trip. Everyone keeps telling me it is too dangerous. All the plans I thought were in place were not. I had really been anxious to return there to visit the site where your mortal remains now lie. The entire trip, I thought of you and all the fun we had together while we were in the Philippines together. I had been anxious to see the family there and find out how everyone has changed. It has been over two years now. I’m sure many things are different now. I have been thinking about you a lot. I miss you so much. The holidays bring back many good memories. They also bring pain. I cannot help but miss you and wonder what could have been…what should have been. I cannot stop feeling guilty in the circumstances around your early demise. You should be here to enjoy life. I wish there was some way I could change things. I would rather see our places reversed than this. I cannot understand how everything went so wrong. It should not have been this way. I guess there must be truth in the old saying “the good dye young”. I cannot think of anyone whom you ever hurt. Everyone who met you took an instant liking to you. I am still to this time finding people who knew you that I was not aware of. I hope you realized how many lives you touched. I am trying to get on with the business of life, but I always have this feeling of guilt. I know that you would disapprove of that. I guess it’s just my nature. I pray to God that you know just how much I love you and miss you. I pray that one day we will be together again.
Always and forever, Bill

28 May, 2002
My Love,
Your 56th birthday came the other day. I went to a Church and lit a candle for you. I asked if the Priest could mention your name at mass. Much has been happening in my life as of late. I spent time in the Philippines with Cely and her family. I kept thinking of you during the trip. I miss you so much. Everyday I think about you. This time of year is especially difficult. I try not to be sad, but it is very hard without you. We were together for a long time and I never imagined having to face the rest of my life without you. I hope that you and I will be together again one day soon. All my love, Bill

30 December, 2001
My love,
It is after Christmas now. I spent Christmas with Cely and her family in Las Vegas. I had a nice time there. Another new year will be starting soon. Another year without you by my side. I miss you very much and I still dream about you often. I have not been able to sell the house as of yet. The market is very slow now and I don’t know if I’ll be able to sell before the end of January. If it doesn’t sell, then I guess I’ll have to stay here and make the best of the situation. I guess that maybe it is my fate to stay here. Lisa and Cely have been encouraging me to stay here and just do the best I can until I can retire. I don’t know anymore. I am so confused and so tired. I have been feeling depressed alot lately. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Everyone keeps telling me what to do and nobody is asking me what I want to do. The only thing I want; I cannot have. That is have you here with me by my side. I know that you are with me in spirit, but it just isn’t the same. I cannot speak with you and get your insight on things. I have no idea what the rest of my life has in store for me, and I don’t know how I shall ever get through it without you. The main thing that keeps me going is the hope that some day, we will be back together again. I enjoy the time that I spend with Cely and her family. She says she loves me and she wants to take care of me. I guess I’m kind of scared. I don’t know if I’m making the right decisions about her. I cannot stand her jealous fits. Maybe I’m asking too much or moving too quickly. I just don’t know. I wish I wasn’t going through all this. I know that we cannot be together here anymore. I do not like being lonely. I want to be with you again but I know that I must wait until this life is over. In the mean time I have to keep going on. I don’t like it. I know that sounds selfish and I’m sorry. If you were here you’d probably be angry at me for acting this way. I still feel terribly guilty about my selfishness during our time together. I feel responsible for the fact that you are no longer here with me. It should have been me that was taken and not you. My selfishness is at the root of this not anything you did wrong. You were a much better person than I am and I have deprived everyone you knew of your continued presence. I wish I could have traded places with you. I hope that you are in a wonderful place now with all of the people you loved who have passed on. I know that they will be glad to be with you. I love you now and forever, Bill

03 October, 2001
My Dearest,
I guess I’ll be leaving California soon. I will be taking the job offer in Oregon. I am kind of excited about making a new start. However, I am kind of worried about it too. I am not as young as I used to be and making a new start at 46 is not easy. I have to leave my current job before I lose my mind. The place has gotten even worse in the time since you passed away. I confess that I feel some guilt at leaving our home. I wanted to finish all the projects that we were going to do. I wanted to make a garden in the back yard that would serve as a memorial to you. I won’t even have time to start it. I hope that you can understand how I feel about all this. It is very hard. I’m not even sure of my own feelings. I wish we were making this trip together. I miss you so much. I will never forget you and our life together. I will never stop loving you either. I await the day that we can be together again, Bill

27 May, 2001
My dearest,
Your 55th birthday has come and gone now. I wanted to do something on that day, but I could not think of what I should do. I thought of going some place that we had been together, but when I do that it makes me miss you more. I thought of maybe going to the aquarium, but I think that would have been a bad idea. I feel guilty that we never went even though you asked me to take you there so many times. I wound up just going in to work. It was the only thing I could think of that might help me get through the day. The trip to Montana is underway. I will not be going. I feel bad that we didn’t make it there last year. I remember how we both looked forward to it. I miss you so much. I think of you all the time. I am so regretful that we didn’t go more places and do more things together while you were here with me. I never thought that you might not always be with me. I always thought that we would have our whole lives together. When you became ill last year, I had no idea just how bad you were. I never thought that you might have cancer. The thought just didn’t enter my mind. I should have been paying closer attention. I will never, ever be able to make that up to you.. and I am tortured by that. I cannot begin to explain the level of guilt that I feel. I am trying to go on with my life as you told me you wanted me to. It is very difficult for me. I just don’t know how to do it without you. You were always the most important thing in my life. I thought that I was doing what I was supposed to do as a husband. Now I realize that I should have been spending more time with you. We were happier when we had fewer thing and spent more time together. You tried over and over to remind me of that. I guess I just didn’t hear. I pray that you did not regret our lives together. I hope that you have peace and contentment. My punishment for my lack of attention is that I will continue to survive…. only without you. I have many memories of our years together. They bring me a mixture of joy and agony. Joy in remembering the fun we had and agony that we will not be able to be with each other anymore. I can only hope that I might be able to help someone else from making the same mistake I did. Maybe I can save someone else from going through what became of our lives. I do not regret our lives together. I only wish that things had turned out much differently. I should have been far more proactive in tracking you health after you refused to quit smoking. The tumor never should have gotten as large as it did. I am grateful that you did not suffer years of agony. I just wish that we had caught it many years ago when the cancer could have been removed. I miss you and I love you, Bill

29 April, 2001
My dearest,
Our wedding anniversary has gone by now. I did not forget it. I could not think of what to say on that day. My heart was too heavy for words. I spent the day with family in Temecula. We had a nice time, but my mind was on you the entire day. I guess you probably know that Lumpy was terminally ill and I had to have him euthanized. Before he left, I told him to find you.. as I know you would be waiting for him. I tried everything I could to keep him alive. There was just nothing to be done anymore. I hope that he is with you now. You are greatly missed by all who were dear to you here and we all think of you often. Your birthday will be here soon enough. I was hoping to be there in the Philippines for it, but it appears that I probably will not be. I am learning to cope without you, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Your memory and your wisdom keep me going. I hope that by now you have been reunited with all who passed on before you. Especially your Mother. I remember well how you missed her. Rest in peace my love and be secure in the knowledge that I love you, forever. Bill

“ming” (
24 February, 2001
Dear Leny,
I have never met you but I feel that I know you all my life. There’s a reason for everything in life and i dont know nor cannot question how our lives have crossed. but i know for sure that i, with the help of your loving husband, Bill, who misses you very much, will continue the work you would have wanted to do for your family and people back in the islands. Please be there to guide us always…to do the right thing.

“Hamilton, Bill” (
04 January, 2001
Well I made it through the holidays. It was not easy for me. I miss you every minute of every day. I wish that you had been able to quit the smoking habit when I asked you to over 20 years ago. We had so many plans for things we were going to do together. Now I have no desire to complete any of them without you. You didn’t only forfeit your own life for a pack of cigarettes; you destroyed mine too. I no longer have any aspirations for the future. I spend most of my time missing you. I hope that some day soon we will meet again in another life. I tried to explain to you on so many occasions that you were and still are the only woman for me. I shall love you always. When I said “I do”, I meant forever. Bill

04 September, 2000
Today was my 45th Birthday. It is the first time I have had a Birthday without you since I turned 20. I went to Sizzler and bought myself dinner. I know if you were here, that is where we would have gone. I think of you all the time and I miss you terribly. Everybody keeps telling me you are in a better place now. I suppose that that is true, but it does not help me from missing you and thinking about all the things we had planned on doing together. It make it harder that your resting place is in the Philippines where I cannot visit on a regular basis. You told me that was what you wanted, so I did my best to see that that is what you got. I think that you would have been pleased with the way everything went. I hope so. I hope that you are happy wherever you may be. I am taking care of your cats as I promised you I would. They are doing fine. I love you and I await the day that we can be together again.

21 August, 2000
It’s been almost 2 months now. I miss you so very much. My life will never be as meaningful as when you filled it with your presence. Yesterday I went to the commissary. It was hard going without you. We used to have so much fun when we went there together. Some of the workers asked about you and I had to tell them you had passed on to the next world. I love you, now and forever. Bill

“Cindy Gilmore” (
07 August, 2000
Lenee – You are the very best person that I have known in my lifetime. Thank you so much for your friendship. I miss you so very much! I always will! I told the boys you are with the angels and that the angels are lucky! Thank you so much for your help with them. They are fortunate to have known their Auntie Lenee. You helped to give them a good start in life. I love you dear friend. I don’t think you realized how much goodness you brought to so many lives. Be at peace. Watch over us and smile, remembering the good times we have had. I will do that too! My life is enriched for having known you! I will say goodbye to you, but you will always be here, in my heart and in my memories. And Donny and Dougie will always know you. I promise you that! Goodbye dear friend, someday we’ll meet again! Cindy (Stone #1)
28 July, 2000
We will miss you forever. Until we meet again up there.
Dale and Lisa

“Bill Hamilton” (
08 July, 2000
Leny, this Wednesday we return to the Philippines to inter you earthly remains to the soil from where it came. Know this my love, although your body has left me, your spirit and your zest for life remain in my heart and my memory forever. I love you. Bill